Inuyasha Manga: 176 Kagome's Heart

We all have our aches and pains these days, don't we? Kagome's heart and my neck, which has just about had it with resting on a failing air mattress for an entire month. Granted, facing the possibility of losing the love of your life to his undead former lover isn't QUITE the same as spending every night sleeping on the floor at 31 years old and frantically looking for another place to live that will actually give you a suitable apartment ON FUCKING TIME, but they're both quite agonizing. At least Kagome has backups in Houjou and Kouga, all lined up and ready to go, while I'm trying to find a place within my meager budget to keep me warm and clean for the next year. When you put it that way, I've got a way worse pain on my hands here.

... Yeah, I know it's not even close to as bad, don't @ me.

This strange bit of gossip seems to be brought to you by a traveler muttering to two of the wounded soldiers Kikyou has patched up. One of the soldiers asks if that means there was a big-ass battle he can no doubt wish he could die in the middle of, but the traveler says that he doesn't think the disappearance of the castle had anything to do with humans. He says that the Hitomi family castle just vanished in a single night. Kikyou recognizes the name, (I'm guessing Kagewaki's, since I don't recall ever seeing it mentioned before this) and surmises that this must be Naraku's castle in actuality.

He's up and fled to another hiding place again. Somebody call olly olly oxen free, please.

Meanwhile...

It looks like Inuyasha had the same nostalgic visit to the place he and Kagome met, and it's no more happy a detour than hers. When Shippou whines that he hasn't said anything yet, Inuyasha, looking away, guesses that was about to be nagged to go see Kagome again. If he does, that of course means he has to tell Kagome what he couldn't when she was last standing right in front of him after the encounter with Kikyou, that they're breaking up. He hangs his head in misery.

Miroku walks out of the surrounding forest, remarking that he thought he'd find Inuyasha here. What he doesn't tell you is that this is actually the 15th place he thought Inuyasha would be. Miroku is accompanied by Sango a few steps behind, and his racoon-dog friend creeping up in front and greeting Inuyasha sheepishly. He's got similar news to the gossiping men at the beginning of the chapter, and Inuyasha asks what he's getting at by telling them that a castle has disappeared. The racoon-dog says that's exactly what he's getting at; the castle almost seemed to be scooped up by a giant monster claw and is gone. It's not until he adds that it seemed countless winged insects swarmed out of the site that he really grabs Inuyasha's attention. He seems pretty sure that the description fits Naraku's saimyoushou.

At Inuyasha's revelation, Miroku states that he and Sango are setting out tomorrow to have a look at the castle remains, and Sango asks Inuyasha what HE'LL do. He says he's going with them, of course, but she widens her eyes and asks if he's going to neglect Kagome. Inuyasha struggles to respond, stuttering and sweatdropping while his shoulders slump. He at least gets out half a statement about Kagome before he's cut off by a freshly irritated Miroku asking what further prolonging this will do. He says that Inuyasha should go see Kagome if he's so sure about his feelings, and Sango looks away in exasperation as she mutters that he's being forever indecisive. Inuyasha reaches his boiling point quickly, as always.

Were you just trying to get him to admit it, or did it REALLY take you that long to figure out that he didn't want to break up with Kagome?

Lowering his face to hide his flush, he asks who would be so selfish, thinking about his embrace with Kikyou and how he's already decided to protect HER. Inuyasha looks back up to bark that there's no way he can just ask Kagome to please come back... only to find that everybody else has already left him there in by himself, no longer willing to listen to his pitiful deliberations.

So they just continue in his head. He thinks it's correct that he can't ask her to come back, and surely Kagome realizes this as well. As he walks a familiar path through the woods, he's determined to go and break up with her properly, even though it won't be over for HIM either. He freezes and his jaw drops open when he reaches the clearing for the well, though.

Oh shit, it's like when they start putting out the Christmas decorations LONG before Halloween. Which they did again this year.

He stares, speechless, while she lifts her head and reveals a serene expression. I guess she didn't have anything to worry about when she freaked out about what her face must look like last chapter. They both remain silent as she stands to face Inuyasha, until she breaks the quiet to tell him she was thinking a lot on the other side of the well, about him and Kikyou and herself. Inuyasha says her name with a pained expression and tries to get out what he needs to, but Kagome cuts him off. She says she knows, understands his feelings, and thought she couldn't hang out over here anymore.

Despite Inuyasha's immense discomfort, to say the least, it's now or never as they're face-to-face. He prefaces his own thoughts by telling Kagome that before he met her, he couldn't trust a soul. Her serenity has collapsed into a quiet sadness as she listens to him tell her how she changed all that by crying for him, always being by his side for him. She can just SEE that "but" looming in the future, after he says he enjoys her company and feels at ease when she's around. He bows his head again as he gets into the hairy part, claiming that he shouldn't be allowed to LAUGH or ENJOY things. Knowing that Kikyou died following after him...

And this means that he can't enjoy your life while you've still got it WHY?

Kagome agrees, which is plenty of a red flag all on its own, but then she says she can't compete with Kikyou because she's ALIVE. No! Wrong message to take from this! ABORT! ABORT! But as Inuyasha stares at her, she just sits her ass back down on that well and starts to go into how much she thought about Kikyou while she was back in her time, and how they're two totally different people. Even if she's supposedly Kikyou's reincarnation, that means she's NOT Kikyou, and her heart is her own. Kagome puts on a little smile as she recounts one solitary thing about Kikyou's feelings she understands; that she, like Kagome, wants to see Inuyasha's again.

Inuyasha gapes, some more. Yeah, I'm not sure I would know how to respond to that bend in the topic either, friend. She continues by saying that once she thought of her and Kikyou's feelings of wanting to see him again as the same, she somehow felt a little better. That was when she gathered to courage to come and see him, though she's gone back to hanging her head and seeing more of her feet than Inuyasha again. He's still got his gaze firmly planted on her, though, and thinks that he also wanted to see her, yet that "but" gets in the way of such a notion again.

However, Kagome isn't letting him go there, even in his own head. She says with resolution that she wants to be together with him, and that there's no way she can forget him. He thinks about her while he stares, wondering how he should respond. She's talking again before he can, though, so he needn't have been so concerned. Kagome says that she just wants to ask him one thing, then stands, as he makes a curious sound, looking conflicted.

"I REEEAAALLY don't like my prospects with the other two dudes..."

Haltingly, Inuyasha asks if this means she'll be here for him and after a small pause, she smiles and says yes. She acknowledges internally that the bond between Inuyasha and Kikyou will never be cut, and she understands that. I feel like it really shouldn't have even entered your mind, girl, because DUH. Kagome thinks Inuyasha has to know just as she does that it couldn't have been by chance that the two of them met.

They approach each other while Kagome thinks that she wants Inuyasha to live. She grabs his hand and invites him to go, to which he responds with surprise and a stuttered agreement. Internally, Kagome affirms that as long as there are happy times, she wants them to smile often. Where Inuyasha's hand was loose in hers before, it tightens with a small glance in her direction. While Kagome doesn't know how effective her presence will be...

... There goes the most precarious of make-ups I've ever seen.

So, what did I think of this chapter overall? It was something of a relief to see Inuyasha articulating his position so well, because I was beginning to think I was talking out of my ass speaking for him in the analyses of the past few chapters. He had very little to say up until this point other than the expression of his certainty that he HAD to say goodbye to Kagome, so I only had a few small character and facial cues to go off of. Thank goodness RT is still as skilled as ever depicting those minute expressions!

And where Inuyasha's decision to cut Kagome out of his life while leaning toward Kikyou was muddy before, who can really blame the guy? This is one MESS of a situation, so giving him a few chapters to sort it all out in his head wasn't too out of line. Impulsive as he is, he's likely not used to examining WHY he makes the decisions he does, or why he feels a a certain way. His hesitation to break the news to Kagome properly though gave him unprecedented time to do that, and it turned out he felt he didn't DESERVE the happiness that Kagome gave him while Kikyou was living a half-life of misery.

I don't think Kagome convinced him that he DOES deserve it by the end of the chapter, but she at least convinced him that SHE would be lost without it. He hinted early in the chapter that he considered it selfish to prioritize his wants over Kikyou's safety, so perhaps he's extended that logic to Kagome's feelings as well. With Kagome's linking of her and Kikyou's feelings, he's got a new way of looking at his relationship with Kagome as well; the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and perhaps denying Kagome's feelings he's refusing Kikyou's reality as well, and even his own.

Although, I'm more inclined that he's just giving in to a craving at the end there. It's a rare person who can refuse perceived indulgence, especially when they've spent the past few days repeating to themselves that they can't have it. Kagome coming up to him and insisting that she wants to keep being around for him may not have convinced him that he's worthy of having her there, but the warmth of her assurance that she'll support him is exactly what he thought he wasn't allowed, and he can't resist. Nor should he. EVERYONE deserves happiness, sacrifice notwithstanding.

I'm still miffed by Kagome's comment about being unable to COMPETE because she's alive, though. It was an iffy place to take Kagome's logic chain, because it suggests that no matter what she says about understanding Inuyasha and Kikyou's feelings, she still doesn't quite get that she was NEVER competing with Kikyou. It was never about choosing who to love, it was always about that sense of obligation Inuyasha felt to avenge himself and Kikyou.

If there's another interpretation to that line making it seem less bratty, I'm not sure. Maybe I need a few chapters to mull it over, because like Inuyasha, my initial reactions can be a bit hard to parse sometimes.