Yu-Gi-Oh Manga: 029 Shooting Stardust

I think this daily regimen of reviewing Yu-Gi-Oh is getting to me. I actually DREAMED I walked into Kaiba Land with a flyswatter and a can of house paint and told Kaiba I was there to do some redecorating. He pointed out a crack in the floor and told me to come back later, because he was busy trying to fix it before it tore the building apart. I asked him if he built the building on a damn fault line, and he responded that it was cheap property.

Think that could be a metaphor for anything?

We begin with both teams facing the barriers in front of them, knowing on the other side of the room their opponents are doing the same. Their severely unbalanced game is about to start, with one team facing the disadvantage of being hunted by actual killers with actual deadly guns.

Kaiba tells them as much, after he appears tiled on the floor that is actually made up of consecutive monitors. He compares their eventual demise to stardust, which is awfully poetic of him, and Jonouchi shouts that they'll get through this and every other trial Kaiba throws at them. Once they do, they're coming for him too. Yuugi silently reminds himself that's when he'll beat Kaiba with his grandfather's deck.

Kaiba scoffs, reiterating silently that Yuugi and friends are facing the prospect of being electrocuted from the real weapons his mercenaries wield. Then he disappears off the monitor with a sardonic command to have fun in his death park.

Jonouchi tells everyone to get ready, Yuugi warns them to stay on their guards for Kaiba's tricks, and Honda just tells them to relax because it's only a little game of laser tag. Besides, he once shot a sparrow from a window. Okay, Sniper. The game officially starts, and the threesome all cause speed lines in how fast they kneel behind the barrier. I guess.

The opposing team has a conference on how they'll kill the kids, and Mr. Gale suggests that his guerrilla experience should allow him to sneak up on them, taking them all out at once. He brags that his real combat experience will be more than sufficient to win the game, because he won't be attacking them from the front like an idiot. Not that any of the others suggested just sauntering up to the kids and shooting them. He just decided that they were going to say that, I suppose.

He crawls on his belly through the maze, gun raised. Mr. McGuire thinks he's just the worst for wanting to kill the all the kids himself. Girls, girls, you're ALL disgusting for being willing to murder children for money. Despite his irritation at Mr. Gale, he stays behind with his back to their starting barrier.

Meanwhile Yuugi and pals wait on their end, guns at the ready.

Honda thinks they need to hunker down in their own space, as a survival technique. Yuugi agrees, silently, knowing that if they stay there, their opponents will have to make the first move. Jonouchi, however, is not only impatient, but under the impression that sitting and waiting is not how REAL men fight. What about that time when Yuugi got punched and you waited until you were in that bar to hit back? He decides he's had enough of sitting around.

More room with which to make yourself a screaming target, Jonouchi. He starts hopping from one barrier to the next, announcing that he's headed for the opposing team. Yuugi is grinding his teeth anxiously while Honda calls Jonouchi an idiot. Mr. Gale is still crawling along when he sees Jonouchi sail over his head, and looks confused. You... didn't HEAR Jonouchi coming?

Apparently not because he's shocked to find Jonouchi perched on the barrier above him, pronouncing that he's found one of the enemies. Mr. Gale even goes so far as to call it surprise attack. I guess if you're deaf, which, you know, Mr. Gale MIGHT be. Jonouchi and Mr. Gale point their guns at each other, Mr. Gale ruminating on the fact that he only needs a second to kill Jonouchi. That thought apparently took longer than a second, because Jonouchi has time to kick Mr. Gale right in the face as he leaps down from the barrier.

It's no wonder this comic thinks it needs to remind the audience every five seconds that these guys Kaiba hired are professional killers. Mr. Gale is not living up to the hype he and his coworkers are spreading.

Mr. Gale slurs out a comment about Jonouchi being a "kamikaze boy" as his teeth fall out and he collapses. Jonouchi declares that he knew his way was better, and Yuugi cheers him. Honda is astounded that Jonouchi managed to take out an enemy himself despite his incompetence. Well, it helps when the opposing team is also dumb as rocks. And/or deaf. Maybe Mr. Gale will have better luck as a toothless weatherman.

The other two mercenaries realize that Mr. Gale is out for the count and emerge from their hiding spot to point their lasers at Jonouchi. The beams race past Jonouchi, who recognizes that being out in the open like that isn't good. Finally. He runs from the assault, and Honda encourages Jonouchi to lead them back to him and Yuugi. He says he'll get them, but when he takes aim and shoots...

Starting to realize you're not playing a fair game yet, Honda? Jonouchi dives behind a barrier next to the one hiding his friends, and Yuugi asks if he's okay. He confirms he's fine, so Yuugi leans around his barrier to shoot as well. The ineffective beams go right past the grinning villains, and a shot from them barely grazes Honda's shoulder. He feels a small fraction of the jolt he would have gotten had he received the full blast, and looks down at his gun with concern.

Yuugi and Jonouchi are struggling to land a hit on their opponents too, and Jonouchi observes that they're getting closer. Honda calls to them both to retreat, because he's put two and two together and has realized that something unfair is going on. Jonouchi whines about how Honda wants to run away.

Anzu, much like Kaiba, is watching the game from a monitor in the prep room. She's stoked that they're doing so well, being in the lead and all, while her charge chuckles in her arms. He asks her to ditch her friends to go on a date in the park with him, and she's indignant. Still, she sees a cheekiness in the baby that must remind her a little of her own. She asks him what his name is, and after telling her it's Jouji, he continues to proposition her by saying that he saw a nice milk stand in the park, and asking again if they can go.

The fuck is a milk stand??

The door to the game opens and Honda leads his friends in, looking surly. Jonouchi is complaining that they just ran away in the middle of their fight, and Anzu tells them that they can't just leave te game. Actually, I'm surprised they actually physically CAN. Shouldn't Kaiba have made sure that door wouldn't open again after the game started? It would be more advantageous to his ends. He's supposed to be a genius, so why is everything about this game so fucking incompetently designed??

Yuugi asks Honda what's got his undies all in a twist, and Honda tells him that the game is rigged against them. Yuugi acts surprised, and I don't know why. This is how Kaiba plays EVERY GAME EVER. The only consistent thing about his behavior is that he cheats. All the time. Honda throws his gun on the ground in frustration, shouting that their guns are useless and Kaiba has made it so that they can't possibly win. While Yuugi and Jonouchi continue to act surprised about something they should have realized all along, Jouji growls in frustration, having somehow gotten a hold of Anzu's gun.

This child is a loose cannon! Not that he doesn't at least have an excuse for acting like that, given that he's a literal baby. Also, his tantrum here turned out to be useful. Honda observes that Anzu's gun struck the spare vest with a huge electric current. Yuugi ponders what might have happened if one of them had been wearing that vest with a look of horror. Honda snatches the gun from his nephew and compares it with the one he was given. They look identical, but they have totally different capabilities.

Honda suspects that all of the mercenaries they faced in the game had the deadly type of gun, and Jonouchi deduces that Kaiba must not have known Anzu was hired, or he wouldn't have allowed her to have a working gun. Anzu gulps, shouting that she quits. Yuugi is pondering how Kaiba named Death-T appropriately, considering his actual intentions to murder them through the game. I don't understand how Yuugi could have gone this long without coming to this conclusion, what with all the evidence staring him right in the face. Was he deliberately ignoring it, or is he actually that blindly trusting?

Honda tells his teammates that they can use the real gun from Anzu, since Kaiba didn't plan on them actually having a working weapon. Yuugi, however, starts listing off all their disadvantages; there are two mercenaries left, they're experienced killers, and there's only the one gun to share among them. Jonouchi asks if they want him to climb the barrier again to drop on top of their enemy, and Honda shouts that it was a miracle it worked the first time, so they don't need any repeat performances.

Jouji is indignant that the boys are talking smack about Kaiba the hero, and demands that Honda give back the gun so he can shoot them. Honda gives Jouji a sharp glare, and Jouji sticks out his tongue. Honda suddenly smiles and tells everyone to leave the shooting to him.

Mr. McGuire comments that one of their opponents came back while Mr. Smith hums. Honda doesn't reply, face serious, so Mr. Smith mocks him with a snark about it being interesting that he still wants to play. He and Mr. McGuire raise their guns as Honda comes out from behind the barrier, his gun fully visible. Mr. McGuire says Honda can't shoot the both of them in time, and as if in response, Honda drops his gun and raises his hands. Both remaining opponents laugh, calling him a coward for surrendering. They let him know that it's not going to work, because Kaiba paid them to kill him, so he should get ready to die.

Mr. Smith shouts that it's time to get back to the game instead of just SHOOTING like the mercenary he was hired to be. His incessant chatter is just taking up time so this panel can also show Jouji on Honda's back holding the real gun and sniggering. Honda must be psychic because he thinks "now" and Jouji acts accordingly.

This is why I don't believe you guys are actually trained killers. You're LITERALLY all talk. 

See? Even Honda is making fun of the fact that you guys would not SHUT UP this entire time. Idiots. How did Honda lower the voltage, though? Did the gun have a dial to turn it down, or is Honda just a genius with electricity? If he is, seriously, Takahashi, how many times do I have to say this? You have to set these things up. You can't just throw this crap out there and expect people to believe it!

Everyone comes out to cheer Honda and his stoic defeat of the bad guys. Jouji reminds Honda that he promised something in exchange for helping him, and Anzu is horrified to learn that it was that she would take a bath with Jouji. Honda is pleading for her to do it, which I guess is just as good as ASKING HER in the first place. Honda is the WORST friend. Anzu staunchly refuses to go through with the promise SHE didn't make, and Yuugi and Jonouchi ignore the rest of their party as they press on to find out what their next death challenge will be.

Kaiba is watching, strangely serene about Yuugi and friends winning his murder game. He wonders just how well he'll do in the next stage, though.

So, what did I think about this chapter overall? This was so poorly done, I don't know how any of it was supposed to work. Between it being downright unbelievable that the mercenaries Kaiba hired were actually mercenaries and Anzu continuing to get harassed at every opportunity, I'm glad this particular game is over. It's clear to me that Takahashi didn't even think about how to write it believably, probably wanting to get past this turd of an idea as fast as possible. It was PAINFUL to read because absolutely none of it worked.

The villains shouldn't be trying to convince me every five seconds that they're really good at being villains! People that are actually good at things are demonstrably good at them, and don't waste time yakking about it to others when they could just be DOING that thing they're good at. When that thing they're good at is pulling a trigger to kill some kids, and we're rooting for those kids, it should be a matter of showing a moment like Honda's brush with death, and then believably using the demonstrated skill to his advantage.

For example, just off the top of my head, Yuugi and Jonouchi could have acted as distractions as Honda snuck to Mr. Gale, stole his gun, and being already behind the enemy, popped up beside one of them to use as a shield. The remaining one doesn't care, shoots his teammate, and Jonouchi comes in from atop the barrier again to kick him in the face. There: much more believable, and doesn't require the antagonists to repeat how professional they are at killing people. It doesn't even require Mr. Gale to be incompetent to begin with, just requires fewer panels and waffling to get to the point when Jonouchi kicks him in the face. And Jonouchi to not shout his head off, of course.

It would also mean that they wouldn't have to go back to Anzu to get a working gun, and wouldn't need to promise something Anzu was uncomfortable with just to get Jouji to help them. They would still need conferencing, of course, but I'm not convinced that couldn't have been done out in the thick of things. Honda would be doing most of the work here, so all he would really need to do is let Jonouchi know that he was going to be giving him a signal, and what he would need to do on that signal.

No, my plan isn't the best either, but it's certainly better than this one, which DEPENDS on assuming that our mercenaries are more talkative than they are shooty. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be risking everything on an assumption like that. It depends on that door opening too, which is not only an oversight that I'm unconvinced Kaiba would make, but it's not bothering to use the "Chekhov's Gun" that was right there from the moment that Jonouchi knocked out the first of their enemies. This is the opposite of the problem that Takahashi usually has where he doesn't bother to set up his payoffs; this is a set up without any payoff whatsoever.

I'm just... irritated with how bad this is. It just got worse as time went on, too, because it began with things that were minor issues with depicting the time it takes to do things, but ended with the most ridiculously awful plan they could have come up with. I hated this chapter, I just hated it. Hopefully the next one doesn't make me want to tear out my own eyes.